One of these days I'm going to snap and go on an iPhone slaying rampage. Of course it will serve no purpose but to make me feel a deep and resonant satisfaction as I listen to a symphony of glass screens shattering, accompanied by a chorus of gasps and shrieks of horror as families are forced to actually look at one another and perhaps have a conversation during dinner. After the cops drag me away that is.
This business has gotten completely out of hand now. It's to the point that people aren't even bothering to lower their iPhones from their faces to talk to you when you're waiting on them. I'm trying to remain polite while talking to a person that literally will not take their eyes away from the magic glowing box long enough to acknowledge the presence of another human being that is there to assist them. Entire families are like this now. It's really unnerving to watch: Dad's got a glossy black obelisk, Mom's got a sassy plaid purple one, Princess has a bubblegum pink one and Sweet Pea is sucking on one. No shit. Parents are using iPhones as psychic pacifiers for those pesky kids that might want to play hangman with them or TALK ABOUT THEIR HOPES AND DREAMS and as actual pacifiers for babies too young to play Angry Birds. These creatures would rather play 'words with friends' with complete strangers than interact with their children or the people they married. And nobody seems to see the inherent perversity of this. The kid's faces are especially creepy, with this slack jawed glassy eyed stare like their souls have been sucked out of their nostrils and channelled directly into the iPhone to power MacBooks. That's what they run on instead of batteries. It's a secret Steve Jobs took with him to the grave.
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| there's an app for that. |
I am tired of having to stand around while these parents try to convince their catatonic zombie children to put down the iPhone long enough to tell us what they want to eat. Here's an idea: if the kid refuses to let you know what they want to eat then maybe they aren't actually hungry. Because hungry people are pretty keen on getting food. If they refuse to pay attention long enough to order food at the appropriate time they DO NOT EAT. Parents: don't bother ordering for them so you can maintain the appearance of a caring nurturer. You plugged their face into an electronic device. You don't care about them. If you did you would enjoy their company and relish the time that you have with them rather than shell out hundreds of dollars to avoid looking at them and ensure that they don't try to talk to you. The cat is out of the bag.
More optimistic types than me are comparing the iPhone to these things:
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| "I can haz cheeseburger? How droll..." |
...but that's only because they aren't ready to accept the ugly truth,which is that our future looks more like Wall-E than Star Trek. Case in point- this:
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| funny how it tightens around my neck when I try to remove it |
....which is just the beta model of this:
