Another Mother's Day

So I may be a bit late in getting around to commenting on the recent Mother's Day fiasco in Dining Out Land, but if I were the proactive type I probably wouldn't be stuck in Restaurant Hell either so...

Here's a list of things your Mom doesn't want for Mother's Day unless she is a Cenobite from the movie Hellraiser. If you don't know what I'm talking about go put Hellraiser on your Netflix queue this instant. It's a heartwarming classic about a lovelorn lady trying to reconnect with the love of her life. And there are Cenobites. They look like this:

Chocolates? You shouldn't have!

anyway here it is:  6 Things Your Mom DOESN'T want for Mother's Day

1. She doesn't want you to show her you love her by making your server's life a living hell. You cannot make up for years of being an ungrateful and horrid child by bullying your waitress into 'spoiling' your mom. This means that when you are treating mom by taking her out to a restaurant on the second busiest day of the year for the restaurant industry along with every other bastard in America that a table isn't going to grow out of the firmament for her, the chefs aren't going to stop cooking everyone else's food so they can cook your mom's food first and they are not going to give you your own concierge to ensure that your mom gets everything she wants instantly. She knows this. And so should you.

2. She doesn't want to get something expensive from the menu. You will only embarrass her if you try to goad her into letting you treat her with something extravagant that she wouldn't normally order. There is no way you can possibly atone for all the years of  deprivation she has suffered because of you so don't bother trying to reverse the order of things that you established years ago. She is a bona fide martyr now. If she wants to suffer through soup and a sandwich you just have to swallow the guilt. Try washing it down with a nice sauvignon blanc. It complements the taste of regret nicely.

3. She doesn't want you and your siblings to fight over the bill. The more adamant you are about trying to pay the less worthy a son you probably were. Everyone knows this.

4.She doesn't want you to get tanked so you can deal with your siblings or your dad. If you must, you're supposed to show up early and hit the bar before everyone else gets there. That way she can pretend your slurred speech is because you're tired from all the hard work you've been doing and not have to stare at a pile of empty Bud Light bottles on the table that serve as a testament to how dysfunctional your family actually is.

5. She doesn't want to eat at the restaurant you picked. She wants to eat at a restaurant you've never heard of because it's a restaurant that little old ladies like, one you wouldn't be caught dead in, unless you have a Golden Girls fetish. But since you don't really know your mom as a person, just as a caretaking unit, you wouldn't know that. And by the way, just to blow your mind, she has a dildo. Yup. You're welcome.


But most importantly:

6. She doesn't want you to act like you care about her once a year because Hallmark or Teleflora needs to move some product.

if you give this to your mom when you're a  kid you're adorable. If you give this to her when you're an adult you're a serial killer.