Gratuitous Nature

I keep thinking a tipping guide is in order, but it seems redundant. I think anyone conscientious enough to worry about such things is already sophisticated enough to know how to tip properly and most of the people that are the 'problem children' can't read and certainly don't use 'The Google'. So I shan't bother with that; instead, dear reader, I will provide a tipping guide for the servers reading this. As in, here is the correct mentality as regards our bread and butter...

A very common mistake many less experienced servers make is imagining a correlation between the quality of the dining experience they facilitated for the customer and the amount of money they receive for their trouble.
Let me save you some time and a bit of dignity:

The mechanism by which you get money in return for a job well done is the same as the one in which the Tooth Fairy gives you money for a great big molar: fictional. As in, IT DOES NOT EXIST.

He's actually a pretty good tipper

People's tipping behaviour is derived from their respective personality types much more than any action on the part of the server. Countless studies back this up. Each person has a magic number that ties into their concepts of empathy and  general amiability. Some people are really nice. Really nice people are not going to penalise you for things that are obviously beyond your control, such as what items are on the menu and how much they cost, or if there is a pubic hair in their tiramisu. A nice person isn't going to look for an excuse to stiff you. If you get a great tip from a nice person, don't go getting a big head and for god's sake don't go bragging about it to the other servers. It's bad manners. And your ass might get jumped in the parking lot.

Likewise, a raging asshole is not going to be generous with their money. There are dickweeds out there who put their cigarette butts in the Salvation Army collection bucket and swerve to hit kittens. And unfortunately for us, these bastards also go out to eat. Don't bother trying to win them over or think that you can wow them into being kind to you and don't go analysing the paltry tip they gave you or try to critique yourself. Their stinginess is a character flaw that has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. Don't bother trying to flirt, guilt or bend over backwards accommodating somebody's ridiculous peculiarity, like counting the ice cubes you put in their glass (yes there are crazy bitches that specify ice cube quantities, I wish that were a joke but it isn't) for a tip. Anybody that wouldn't be ashamed to demand that of you should be institutionalised, not catered to. I firmly believe that if we would all just stop spoiling them they would just get over themselves eventually. Or not, but either way man- dignity. You just can't put a price on that. But if you can, you belong in the Moonlite Bunny Ranch, not a restaurant.

no the OTHER whorehouse...

The Zen Buddhists have the perfect attitude, for waiting tables and everything else besides:

Desires and expectations are the sources of disappointment. Don’t cling to them. Do your work, walk your way.