ranch tsunami

In the aftermath of a brutal double at the Fajita Factory, it occurs to me that my job would be infinitely easier if my uniform had the following upgrade:...

I'm only doing this until I finish my degree in comparative Armenian literature.

...except instead of shots of Red Headed Slut like in the picture it was a big ole' tank of ranch dressing. Seriously. Just about everything on our menu is just a vehicle for, or thing to dip in or slather ranch dressing on. Which is pretty gross just on principle but gets truly disgusting when you realize just how heart stoppingly unhealthy it actually is. 2 fluid ounces, a typical ramekin is an artery clogging 38% of your recommended daily fat intake, 20% of saturated fat and 15% of your daily sodium. That should make you want to go fondle a defibrillator right now. Hell, we should mount those on our backs just for good measure. Maybe we could work it into the hostesses' uniform. I was up until recently blissfully unaware just how nasty the ranch lovin' could get. It isn't uncommon for one person to ask for a small bowl of it with their battered and fried beast. 

I used to wonder where ranch dressing got its name, but now I believe that its called ranch because if you eat it all the time you become a hulking smelly herd creature like the cattle that live on...yes. You get it. Ranches.  Hey, for those long shifts you could strap on this number:

Who wants some?

I'm not saying the Satanic stuff doesn't taste good. You could toss a week old roadkilled possum in it and it would make it palatable but that is precisely why it is so evil. There are lots of things that are gratifying to the senses that are just plain wrong, for example unprotected sex with strangers. That sort of thing has become stigmatized because now we know about things like syphilis and other worse afflictions. Not that long ago it was commonplace for respectable gentlemen to frequent brothels. If you look into it, almost all of the Impressionist painters (except for Claude Monet, the lamb!)  had some venereal disease or another, probably from the same skanky hooker. But these days our fear of a slow and painful death has taken a lot of the glamor out of prostitution unless you're a governor or senator. Now that we know about dietary science it's time for ranch dressing to take its ride off into the sunset of history as well. You know it's gotten out of hand when they have these at weddings:

Yep. Exactly what it looks like.This couldn't be more pornographic if it was fountain of jizz.