The Man in the Sky

Kids Eat Free nights bring out a special kind of customer: the kind that have children in litters. This most recent Kids Eat Free night I saw something that I can't seem to stop thinking about, a scene that was wrong on several subtly textured layers. While taking food to somebody's table I saw a woman with two daughters working on their homework. Nothing unusual there, kids bring schoolwork in all the time. I am nosey so I like to read the titles of books people are reading at the tables. It has never failed to unimpress me.

The title of the textbook these little girls were working out of was God's Gift of Language. I'm going to repeat that: God's Gift of Language. It is exactly what you think: a homeschool English and grammar textbook. For some reason. Oh right, because some factions of Christians in America have become so insular and fanatical that not only is Science offensive to them but also English. What next? God's Gift of Mathematics? Because we all know that inches are based on the Pagan system of Dodecagonism and that the cubit is the only God approved unit of measurement.

It's getting weird people.

Just to be sure that God's Gift of Language is really what it appears to be I Googled it and found a shopping website for Christian homeschool textbooks. It is exactly that: a 'Christ centered' English textbook. Apparently, the people who bought it are pleased; there are three reviews from satisfied customers. All three reviews contain spelling and grammatical errors. True story.


I'm not a theologian or anything but I do like a good silly myth here and there which may amount to the same thing, but- am I crazy or isn't there an Old Testament story about a time when ALL PEOPLE SPOKE THE SAME LANGUAGE and The Man in the Sky punished them for being too ambitious by scattering them all over the place and making them all speak different languages?? As a punishment??

Yes. I just Googled it at christianity.about.com and they confirmed this. I cut and pasted this directly from the website:

God came to see their city and the tower they were building. He perceived their intentions, and in His infinite wisdom, He knew this "stairway to heaven" would only lead the people away from God. He noted the powerful force within their unity of purpose. As a result, God confused their language, causing them to speak different languages so they would not understand each other. By doing this, God thwarted their plans. He also scattered the people of the city all over the face of the earth.

"THOU SHALT NOT BUILD A STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN!  I GIVE YOU...SMOKE ON THE WATER!!"

Apparently god is not a Led Zeppelin fan.

So which part of this is God's Gift? I mean, I can only assume that the zealots who published God's Gift of Language are well aware of this story. By my interpretation of this, our language is actually a punitive measure according to SCRIPTURE of that same religion, the one that is so offended by scientific inquiry and the Theory of Evolution, which is the essential idea behind all Biology. 

What is the point of teaching your children to read at all when you are also teaching them to believe in a jealous and vengeful old man that curses and afflicts babies and strikes down entire civilisations for 'pridefulness'? If Science is blasphemy, and apparently Engineering and any other human endeavour that shows a 'unity of purpose' is going to get you smote (or is it 'smited'?) then what career can a good Christian pursue?

Sheep farming. And you don't need to know how to read to do that.

So...don't bother teaching your daughter to read, Christian lady. It will only make her uppity and most likely question her husband's authority and you know what that leads to: stoning. 
Don't set your little girl up for a stoning.