Soul Food

Here is a scenario for you:

You get a table. It's two middle aged men. When you go to greet them they turn two pairs of glassy sheep eyes upon you and say, with total sincerity, "We are going to pray for you! What would you like us to pray about?"

Yup.If you are fortunate enough to live anywhere on Earth that is not the epicenter of the shiniest part of the Buckle of the Bible Belt then this sounds like a bad joke. I am not so fortunate, and it happens all the time here. 

So what is the appropriate response to this mind boggling question?

a) You can talk to God? Seriously? Awesome! Ask him where I put my car keys."

b) Tell him to make all the stupid people sterile please.

c) Please tell the Easter Bunny to stop bringing me those little coin things. They taste like lard.

d) Pray for me to get a real job so I don't have to deal with lunatics like you.

e) Dude, if God is as ineffable and omnipotent as you guys are always saying then you could just think to him in your mind. Therefore we both know that all this holy roller shit is just for show so we can all be impressed at how pious you are, which means you are probably using religion as a means of misdirection to obfuscate how utterly corrupt your soul actually is.

 

f) wow I can't believe I've made it to f. Maybe I should have gone with bullet points?

g) Don't bother. Wise men made Him up thousands of years ago to frighten the weak minded into behaving. You may as well pray to Santa Claus to bring me a pony.

All these things run through my mind while they patiently stare at me, holding hands over the table like they're at a seance. Grown men. 

I usually say something to the effect of, "Hey man, you know what? I'm good. I'm just happy to be alive."

"He'll have the mahi mahi."

Amen to that.