School of Hard Knocks

It's a good idea to try not to get inside the head of the people you are waiting on. If there were one piece of advice I would give a fledgling server (other than GET OUT NOW!) that would be it. That and the only equation that a server needs:
                                      quality of service ≠ good tip
 I repeat: do NOT try to get in their heads. And do not allow them to get into yours. There must be a psychic wall of separation. Once in a while you will encounter a wiseguy and challenging as it is you must maintain a professional demeanor. Take my advice, I'm not using it.

The other night I had the misfortune of waiting on a couple that was, contrary to all logic, on  a date at the Fajita Factory- possibly the least romantic venue since the pit in Silence of the Lambs.

Here it is made of Lego's. Thanks internet. And-WTF?

 But there they were, and it was one of those blokes whose solution to pattern baldness is shaving and waxing his head. That works for Bruce Willis. And only Bruce Willis. Try saying "Yippie ki yay, motherfucker!" and see if it sounds badass. It doesn't. Bruce Willis has powers other men lack, among them looking cool with a shiny bald dome head.

We at the Fajita Factory are forced to introduce ourselves and our 'zone partner' (don't you just love corporate America? So inventive!) during the greet. I do this and Ersatz Bruce Willis asks gamely (as 75% of them do) that "It takes two of you to wait on us?". After my veritable seizure of laughter and much wiping of tears of joy at his cleverness I respond, "Haven't you heard-it's the new economy. Two people have to share one job."

"Wow! You've got an answer for everything don't you? What is E=MC²?"
And so on. After some banter in which he doggedly refuses to get to the point and just order food he hits me with this beloved and well worn old saw:
 "You're really smart! Did you go to college?"

I just stare at him.

How is it possible that this Ersatz Bruce Willis doesn't understand how insulting it is to assume that because  I am waiting on him that I wouldn't have heard of the Theory of Relativity? Or that I didn't go to college. I know lots of brilliant philosophers and historians that sling pizza and beer.

"I didn't go to college actually. I hate school."

He just gapes at me. Literally.
"But...you're SO intelligent!" And I cannot stress enough to you, dear reader how thoroughly, unabashedly shocked at this fact dumbshit Ersatz Bruce Willis is. Like anyone could be educated without college (Abraham Lincoln) or that someone with a functioning mind would be waiting tables. Perhaps I should be doing something more dignified like politics or applying my laser like intellect at an office job putting cover sheets on the TPS reports?

Only 14 more years of this and I can pay off those student loans!

"What are you doing here?" he sputters.

I'm waiting for my Genius Grant from the John D. and Catherine T. MacArthur Foundation, that's what.